Saying "YES"

     I am a pleaser....lets just get that out of the way from the get go.  I learned it well from my religious up bringing and my failed marriage.  I wanted others to be happy and then I could be happy.  What I learned after many years of frustration is that making someone else happy doesn't always turn out to be good for me.  I ended up doing things that I didn't really want to and inconveniencing my schedule. Often I thought I was helping people and I ended up enabling them.  Other times I thought I was helping and I ended up hurting people because in the end I couldn't deliver and had to bail on them.
    So why do I write this today?  Summer has just begun and many people in my life want me to do certain activities this summer.  It is not wrong for them to want to do these things but I have to learn how to handle these requests.  First I need to remember that just because someone asks me to do something does not mean I have to do it.  I know that sounds stupid,  its just a request but for me it changes in my head to "how will I fulfill this request".  Next I have to communicate clearly.  Most people need to hear a clear "NO", not my usual wishy washy "let me see if I can work that into my schedule" or "maybe".  In others minds that wishy washy talk turns into "yes" and when I can't do what they requested they are disappointed and feel that I have let them down....and I have because I didn't communicate clearly.  I also need to be realistic about what I can do.  In most cases being an optimist is great but when it comes to scheduling activities it is disaster to think I can do way more than I can, someone always gets hurt (others or myself).
     Let's talk about guilt.  I have a few people in my life who hit my guilt button when I try and say no to their request.  I of course have taught them that guilt works on me.  I need to change that.  I think just recognizing what is going on is the first step.  Someone can lay guilt on me but I don't have to wear it!
     I want to do things for others and I do often.  I love it when I can make someone happy because of what I can do for them BUT I can not do everything that everybody asks of me.  This lesson will help me and people in my life have a much better summer and the activities I say "yes" to will be enjoyed fully!

“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”

Women at Risk

These beautiful scarves were for sale at "Women at Risk International" in Grandville, Michigan.  Women from all over the world support their families by making jewelry and crafts.  Many have been rescued from abuse and prostitution.  

The most interesting thing for me besides all the beautiful items was overhearing one of the staff having a discussion with someone about how working with our hands has always been a way that women have dealt with crisis.  I started thinking about my own life and I found that statement to be true.  I baked  bread when my son died, so much so that a friend dubbed me "the good grief bakery". I took up photography when I went thru a divorce, as evidenced by my taking my camera to the Women at Risk shop the other day.  Lately I have been drawn to sewing which is helping me thru a break-up.  I see this pattern in my own mom also.  She has taken up knitting  again while she adjusts to my father's passing.  

It is so satisfying to start and complete a project.  Life on the other hand is full of starts and stops and not completing.  Making something of beauty is gratifying.  Making something beautiful out of one's life is complicated.  Things often don't turn out quite as beautiful as one would hope.  So as we try and make something out of our messy lives it is a gift to hold something of beauty that we have created in our hands.  

Food

   Time with my special guy taught me about FOOD!  I have sampled more things in the 5 years with him than in my entire life before meeting him.  He was passionate about good food.  I learned it is better to go once to a great restaurant than 20 visits to a fast food joint.  He took time to prepare wonderful meals and served them with care.  Presentation is important.  He enjoyed the process as well as the results.  Keeping it simple was his philosophy, he said good quality food didn't need a lot done to it.  I am trying to take some of that philosophy with me.  I am aiming to do more meal planning.  I want to enjoy the process and not view it as a chore but a pleasure.  Cooking is fun!

new Year.  new beginnings.  this is going to a year of changes.  i must do this year without my guy, without that special man that always had my back.  it was my choice and i do believe the right one however that doesn't make it any easier.  i will never meet someone as passionate and interesting as he is, of that I am sure.  he has touched almost every area of my life.  i have learned so much from him.  i don't want to forget the things I learned from my years with him.

he taught me the value of having routines.  things like cleaning up the kitchen after a meal.  making coffee the night before so all you have to do is flick the switch (it makes getting out of bed so much easier).    i always viewed routines as a chore but he showed me that they make your life more enjoyable.  I am taking comfort in routines right now as i grieve this loss.  i want to keep learning and appreciating routines!

sweet man, my dad

Neal De Young
12/18/1928-5/26/2012


My dad.  As I mourn his death the word that keeps coming to my mind is "sweet".  My dad was kind.  He liked helping people.  He did not like to create conflict.  He cried (I mean got chocked up) during sad movies.  He was supportive of me.  He gave to others then didn't even remember doing it, that's true giving.  


My dad also liked "sweets".  He used to treat me to ice cream as we were running errands and then he would say "Don't tell your mother"!  We were often sweet thieves together.  My brother and my mom have no sweet tooth so it was just him and I in this common bond.


He suffered from dementia in the end.  Even his death was "sweet".  He was in a nursing home for just a few months.  His body just shut down.  He was gone in minutes.  We had several close calls with my dad years earlier and God blessed us with more time.  It feels like just the right amount of time.  He was ready to go and I am ready to let go.  I got to have my dad in my life for 54 years!  I had a good relationship with my dad for those 54 years!  That is truly "sweet"!


Amazing Grace how SWEET the sound.....

Day 9 photo challenge, RED

So much red, so little time!