It is Sunday Morning. I am once again contemplating why I don't want to go to church. Maybe if I indulge myself in writing about it I will begin to figure it out. Maybe it will shed some light on why at present my brother and my son and their families are not attending church as well. I realize that my change in attitude came with my new job. I have a wonderful job, in fact it is more of a calling. I get to head up a new special ed program for young adults. It is extremely challenging, creative, fun, labor intensive and social. By friday I am spent. I no longer need the social outlet that church filled for many years. I have a rich social life at work including some wonderful christians. Makes me wonder how much of my motivation to go to church was strictly social? Community is a wonderful part of church but it shouldn't be the whole. I think for me social was a large percentage of the total.
I love to listen to a good sermon. I have always felt that on my own I do not have the disciple to be in God's word and that was one area that church helped. It was an appointment with God and his word. I do find I am not in the word much without church.
That being said, I do feel my faith is stronger than ever and my perspective has changed for the better. I had years of church attendance and bible study but it wasn't until going thru my divorce that I finally "got" the meaning of grace. It is so not about me and the things that I do, it is ALL about what God has done! I hung on too much to my part of things and felt that I had to do those habits to really be a good christian. Don't get me wrong, they are good habits but I had the reasoning all wrong. I am learning to rest and relax in that fact that my gracious Lord has done it all!
I feel that faith is about having the appropriate posture. I am on my knees knowing that I can not save myself! I know that God is God and not me. I know that even when I do some good things my motivation is not pure. I know that I could never do enough good to save myself. I know that God is my Savior. I know that He gives the gift of eternal life even though I don't deserve it. I know that He allows and wants me to speak and listen to Him. We can be best friends. He will never leave me or turn on me. All He asks is that I accept His gracious gift and live a life that reflects that.
Why do I and others add all kinds of other things to the simple truth of the gospel?
How will my children learn this truth if we don't go to church regularly? I think about myself with all my church attendance and bible studies and I missed grace completely. Oh, I had the words all right but no real concept. Church attendance is no guarantee that someone will know saving grace in their heart. In fact knowing the right words and phrases can bring false superficial comfort.
On the other hand church taught me about grace and life brought it home to me. If I hadn't had those teachings I would not have known how to interpret my life experiences. On my own will be diligent in teaching my children about saving grace? Will I live it out loud so they see it?
Church has played a vital role in my sense of community. My church family has wrapped its arms around me at crucial points in my life (death of a child, divorce). I want that for my children but I don't want that to be the only reason they go to church. I also have found community in neighbors and friends but their comforting words can be shallow without God's word behind them. Christian friends are so necessary otherwise it is easy to fall for the latest popular thinking that is going around in the world.
So where does that leave me? Today that leaves me at home. Resting, reading, spending time with my daughter and thinking. For today that is where I am at. I am grateful once again that saving grace does not depend on my "doing" something. I am grateful that church attendance and will power is not a condition of faith. I am thankful that I can relax in God's great gift. Thanks be to God!
